15 Jan HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS

Posted at 01:31h in That's life by

[NB: The following post contains language not intended for canine ears. Dog-ownerly discretion is advised.]

From an ad posted in the “Services-Pets” section of Seattle’s Craigslist:

HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:

Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20’s and 30’s?

Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?

I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER

I am the most radical, bitching, mind blowing dog- walking experience in all of Seattle. All dogs are STOKED when I’m around, regardless of breed or sex. Your dog is gonna be on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn star mad of amphetamines; when I’m ascending toward penthouse suite in your private elevator, bitch’s nipples are gonna be ROCK HARD.

It gets better:

Are you one of those prototypical American success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream, and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?

[….]

Forget the agencies; I will alk your dog for less money, and I’m not some weirdo art school dropout who claims to be “in sub-verbal communication” with your dog.

Now you may as well read the whole thing.

H/T: Dave Pell, whose free daily NextDraft email newsletter and iPhone app gather up the 10 most important, profound, thought-provoking, or quirky stories of the day, and wraps them in droll, pithy commentary. I can’t imagine why everyone is not subscribed.