18 Apr A language lesson from our curmudgeonly friend

Our curmudgeonly friend is back (previous instalments here, here, and here) with some observations on the language of politics:

Folks will pound tavern tables for hours as they expound on the reasons our political system is failing us, but they rarely mention our sloppy use of words. Because we pay so little attention to their meaning, we are, as we are intended to be, oblivious the effect they have on us. Some examples.

“Change”
All politicians support change. But change what? And change it how?

“Hope”
See above. Hope for what?

“A better tomorrow”
See above. What will that look like, exactly?

“Family values”
See above. Many of the worst things that happen to us are perpetrated by family members. Please define “family values”.

“Government”
We’ve come to think of “government” a something to be “won” by a political party, something  with a magical source of revenue that is separate from citizens. Reporters often say things like “the Dexter government, or “the Liberal government,” especially if they think a decision is partisan or stupid. But the truth is that the government doesn’t ever belong to a political party.

Let’s change the name something like “Management”.

And let’s not say “the government” will cover a $100-million unfunded liability in Bowater pension plans (from its magical revenues). Let’s say Nova Scotians will do that, from their bank accounts.

“Minister”
Makes regular folks think they’re someone with magical powers just because the leader of a political party has given them a job they are not necessarily qualified to do. This is made worse when civil servants are required to address them as “Minister.” Change it to “Manager.” Require civil servants to address managers by their first names. Require Manager to address civil servants with the Honorific “Advisor.”
“Department of Health”
Change to: “Department of Illness.” Who cares about how much we spend on health? Spending it on “illness,” however, might be another matter.

“Department of Community Services”
Change to: “Department of Poverty.” Tells it like it is—poverty is a drain on the community.

“Department of the Environment”
Change to: “Department of Human Survival.” The environment always comes through just fine. Humans, like dinosaurs, maybe not so much.

“Department of Natural Resources”
Change to: “Department of Natural Resource Consumption.” It’s not like miners and loggers create natural resources.

“Department of Economic and Rural Development and Tourism”
Change to: “Department of Business Subsidies and Rural Votes and Tourism.” Michelin is already fully developed. So is Pacific West. Rural communities can only take so much development before they aren’t rural anymore.

“Nova Scotia Gaming Corporation”
Change to: “Nova Scotia Gambling Corporation.” It’ s not like the Gaming Corp is in charge of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit.

“Nova Scotia Liquor Corporation”
Change to: “Nova Scotia Hard Liquor and Tobacco Corporation.” Let the corner stores sell beer and wine—grass, too! But make people go to a government building for their cigarettes and rum. Pot never kills, alcohol rarely kills, tobacco kills day in and day out.

“Employment Insurance”
Revert to: “Unemployment Insurance.” “Life insurance” is really “death insurance,” but that would be tougher to sell.

“Gun control”
Change to: “Mental illness care.”  Assault rifles don’t commit massacres, untreated mental illness does. Maybe both sides of the debate could agree on that.

“Patronage, influence peddling”
Change to “Patronage Bucks.” Political parties need this to keep their networks of buddies intact, so give them “Patronage Bucks,” exchangeable for cash at par at all financial institutions. This need not cost much—a few million dollars a year should do—and it will save a lot of hassle. The catch: any deals done outside “Patronage Bucks” system earn mandatory jail time.